Raw mode

Ashen, puffy faced, unkempt – the Ideal Housing crew struggle in late after last night’s bash at Restaurant Harkema in the Nes (theatre district). Although only twelve bottles of wine were consumed between the twenty of us, the fact that a small but determined alcoholic minority consumed most of the grog explains the wilder behaviour towards the end of the evening. In the normal run of the day, we all know Jimmy as well-meant, chubby, ineffective and basically harmless. Pour a little truth-drug into him however, then better take a step back. Loud – OK, who wasn’t. Very loud – border line OK, he wasn’t the only one. Screaming at top of voice for entire restaurant to “Shut-up. Everyone – shut-up” – not OK. Then, when a thousand eyes were boring into Jimmy’s swaying frame atop the dining table, he points to Eddie and says, “Eddie, the floor is yours.”

Marcus captured a terabyte of material on his top-of-the-range expensive camera. “I had the thing in ‘raw’ mode – got it all” – which, on reviewing some of the excruciating digital detail this morning added new meaning to “all.” As far as I could tell, there were range ranging wine-fuelled confessions whispered in confidence between courses but the action stopped short of impromptu snogging and, fortunately, there was no photocopier available for anyone to consider sitting on.

A former colleague – Vlad – had also managed to crash the gig claiming that Klaas had invited him. Vlad left a couple of months back to work in advertising. I wish he’d just come straight out with it and pitched me a “Can I do your new house style – by God, you need one.” Instead, he followed me around like a puppy, hoping for a quiet moment to sell his wares. I thought I’d dodged him but a wave of synchronous restroom breaks left me sitting alone under a halogen spot offering Vlad his moment.

The problem with having the best month ever...

The problem with having the best month ever - March - is that unless you have another better month (hopefully the following one) - it's all down hill. And as that lofty peak disappears into the distance, it is increasingly mentioned only in passing rather than in the 'I was there and did my bit sense' and only then with a tone that implies that you're not sure the turnover was really that high anyway.

April has a not untypical slow start. Rental deals could go either way. Stomping and splashing around in the rain a month back delivering fliers to the most sought after areas has resulted in a rush of quality properties to add to our portfolio. Googling - those guys are criminals and we pay them Euro 4000 per month - has delivered a solid flow of clients with budgets taking our average ever upwards. Good signs, thus.

But (or should I say 'butt'), Ginny is leaving in May and is already winding down. Our youngest consultant has returned from a week slumming it with friends in New York and, as is always the case when one is stupid enough to take vacation, his portfolio of rental clients in cooler than an arctic fox's tail, he's still jet-spaced, and just can't shake that holiday happiness making it hard from him to focus and hard for the rest of us to bear. Brenda has crashed. After a flying start as neweling two months ago when a couple of lucky deals created the impression that it was all so trivial and easy, reality has set in. Pissing up is fine, Brenda, but be sharp and make your numbers. Klaas took Brenda for lunch and had a deep and meaningful yet subtle and insightful conversation with her along the following lines, "Brenda - don't get boozed up so often. Make more deals. Ying. Yang. But make more deals."

Owning up

Every day an unexpected, critical issues rises from the deep requiring hours of concentrated management team debate followed, without hesitation, by one or more key decisions. Yesterday, this issue was the pitiful state of the kitchen - a wasteland of abandoned cups, left-overs, an empty-but-still-beeping microwave smelling of dog, and ten tea bags alone and sagging on the counter top like old ladies camped on a park bench gossiping about absent friends. That was yesterday.

Today the strategic management issue claiming the time I always reserve for such occasions was fines. More precisely, fines associated with speeding or parking offenses. So that we both know what we're talking about: speeding means driving faster than the law allows (clues: things go blurry, the roof-rack blows off, air rushes by so swiftly that you can't hear the radio) and parking offenses means leaving your vehicle stationary in a manner not accepted by people whose lives are brightened by wearing police uniforms and police hats (clues: a wounded dog is stuck to your front right wheel, you are upside down in a garden, looking around you seem to be in a department store and your seat-belt is still fastened).

Yes - rental consultant person - you are driving on work time. But - rental consultant - you still need to obey the law. Drive too fast, then own up to it. Kill a kitten while attempting to reverse into tiny space, then accept the consequences. Fines come in centrally to the office with time and place and date of the offense stipulated. The name of the consultant is not stated, naturally, as the crime is frequently recorded by camera and the camera cannot not quite capture the name and address printed in tiny letters on your driving license.

One of Charlotte's many thankless tasks as office manager is to quiz everyone on receiving a another traffic fine by post (in official envelop) from the local authority. Blank looks. Denial. Finger pointing. Checking the car-reservation agenda has little value as consultants deliberately scribble unreadable junk in there - enough to claim the car if in dispute, but just too little to be able to deny having used it if there is a fine to be paid.

If there's a doubt, then fair enough. It's natural not to want to pay a fine if you only 'probably' are guilty. But if confronted with incontrovertible evidence - even where the colleague who was sitting next to you shops you - then raised eye-brows and mock shock make my blood bubble.

My blood is bubbling.

Communication

Much of weekend spent on monster memo intended for investors with whom we meet again tomorrow. Despite the length and depth of this latest missive – one of many by the way – we seem to be talking an unknown dialect of a nearly extinct language. Blank looks punctuated by raised eyebrows and pen-tapping expletives. Somehow, we arrived at the notion of meeting minutes during our last session of last week. We trade small-font, single-spaced written exchanges in which each party summarizes what they believe was discussed. It’s sort of working. At least the wildly different points of view are on the table instead of being wrapped in optimistic assumption that we’re all hopefully on the same page.

March has officially closed. Record month. Not just a record March but a record in the true meaning of the word – the best month ever. With respect to the month profile, we defied that final week rush of rental deals and frenetic shouting to cram it all in before midnight on the last working day. Instead, the deals were scattered beautifully allowing administration to remain on low boil and allowing tempers to remain jacketed.

The role of psychology

The problem with Ginny is that she's too good. Annoying, yes. But still good. On balance, her sales figures are enough to dampen my chronic irritation with her considerable noise levels, her unannounced and unnecessary claims on my time, and her utter disregard for her colleagues deals-in-process which she takes a perverse pleasure in disrupting by stealing the properties for her own clients at the last minute or hiding information about new apartments until Ginny's own clients match.

In an average month, if her performance is above the median (which is usually is), then Ginny might account for 30% of the monthly turnover. In short, we feel exposed to her over-performance and doubly so as she's been gabbing for the last year about moving to Suriname for a new life (and by the way, her aunt lives there). With a view to binding her into the team here and building a career for the next few years in Amsterdam, Klaas and I have been offering her (OK, begging her) different roles.

"Come on", says Klaas in his most encouraging voice, "make a decision - stay! What's Suriname got to offer if you're not a pensioner or tax exile?"

Pause.

"OK - I quit."

The lesson here is that while psychology has a role to play in persuading someone to stay, go or do something, education also has a role to play in ensuring that the would-be psychologist knows what the heck he is doing. Challenging Ginny was just not the right tactic. Money is her motivator. We should have attempted to buy her. Something like,

"Here's ten thousand Euro - please stay until Christmas."

Does this sound too much like groveling?

Weekly IT update

On asking Marcus – who works one day a week offsite on very tricky IT stuff – for his weekly update, I received the following. After reading it, I wonder which plant he’s from and if he visits very often:

"Well - had some very strange emails in my inbox this morning, which were sent a couple of weeks ago, but I only received today. How's this for a weird chain of events?

The new database functionality sends this to the role/email address “property.manager@...". I tested it yesterday before rolling it out. Turns out I forgot to create that address! No problem, that's why I'm testing, right?

Since there was no such address, it was sent to the Catchall account I set up a week or so ago. I had intended the catchall to be forwarded to it@..., but that wasn't set up. So the catchall account filled up. Since it was full, I received this morning an error that my test mail couldn't be delivered, so I looked into it, and discovered all this. I set up the forward to the it@... address, and now the queue is dumping all the stuff it was holding. Ugh.

End result: more junk mail for me to process... Don't know how to handle better without a new system. We only have 50 email accounts, so I can't leave ex-colleagues active with a "reject" rule....

Hold on, I just figured it out! Create one "Reject" address, and add all ex-employee addresses to that account as aliases. (After a certain time, of course, so that client emails still get to Klaas.) That way bad stuff gets rejected, but "Gelmer" still gets through for processing. Should work.

I've got to do something soon: I've received 50+ such emails already this morning...

-Marcus"

Payroll administration

Great relief yesterday to have administered the payroll. For those on zero variable – like the office manager – there is nothing to do other than check that they are still breathing. It can irk to pay an employee who, had a closer inspection been undertaken, would have been declared officially deceased and a salary check saved. In the case of Charlotte, I need not check her pulse as, surely, she must be alive in order to chat online with MSN Messenger for five of her eight hours per day. The three other hours interspersed with cigarette breaks, coffee breaks, and a long lunch break.

The end of the month payroll for the rental consultants is their recurring opportunity to attempt to persuade me that incomplete, poorly administered deals should be added to their variable remuneration. Sad as this may be, there is nothing to make the heart soar like a neat and complete dossier comprising signed contracts (by both lessee and lessor), passport copies, copy of employment contract, a signed inventory and inspection report...

Why we cannot agree that, if it’s not complete, the variable commission with slide to next month (assuming the deal is then complete)? At least this would be an honest system and I’d respect the consultants the more for being up front. What really bugs me is when, say, Jimmy, presents a handful of deal sheets with canyon-wide holes in them, AWOL documents, incomplete payments, missing signatures and accompanies his pitiful submission with a poorly structured, dreadfully articulated fairy tale in an embarrassing attempt to convince me that:

• Actually, the deals are all complete but that he’s a bit behind on getting the process steps signed off by the relevant party (contracts, finance…); and/or
• OK – fair enough – they are not complete but they will be by two o’clock (mmm… the deadline is 12.00 – same as last month); and/or
• The dossier was complete but someone has removed documents and just wait until he finds out which son-of-a …

Depressed that the consultants think I’m either very stupid or naively nice, I finally manage to get the salary numbers to our book keeper. Cycling home I feel pretty good about the fact that, once again, we are supporting the livelihoods and families of twenty people who, were they not working for me and Frank, would be sleeping under bridges.

Alone

Somehow I survived Friday evidenced by a Saturday-fatigue that dogs me like a shadow. End of the day yesterday was good and bad and only three additional mugs of coffee could prop me up until the pub welcomed me into it’s smoky embrace at 19.00. Several large deals had been scored, several more cooking, all of which needed contracts and invoices but the problem was that I was the only soul in the back office able to do this as everyone else had the day free. No contracts people, no property managers, no receptionist (weep). We’ve talked for years about how to avoid all ‘key’ people being out at once yet fail predictably to prevent this. At least this was only one day but, with depressing certainly, two-week long vacation plans will overlap in the late summer, lengthening days and shortening tempers.

Your moped is (nearly) on fire

The jury is still out and so is Jimmy. It's midday. He’s viewing something somewhere with someone. Breathless, he crashes through the door around 12.30. It went well. Very well. Couldn't have been weller. Excellent - a deal then? No. They may be moving as late as March 2008 and are not sure of their budget... or preferred location. One hopes we're talking the Netherlands here.

This morning, the moped scooted me workwards. It is the habit of the police and me to cordially ignore each other - the mutual respect of one skilled-road user to another speaking volumes.

At a red light, I stop. It's the law. Next to me, a police van pulls up in the other lane. The driver looks at my newly tuned and serviced machine and begins to lower his window. I wonder if he'll have time to deliver his compliment before the lights turn green. He does. He says, "there is petrol gushing from a fuel-line onto your engine. You are in danger of blowing yourself up." Looking down, my shoes, the engine, and the road are soaked. I see he is right. Looking up, I see he is gone. Long gone. Not wanting to have fragments of exploded engine parts sticking out of your body is a powerful motivator.

Abandoning the moped at the side of the road for later collection by the repair shop, I jog to the office for my 9.00 meeting. At 9.20 I learn it's cancelled and the clue to this cancellation is that nobody showed up.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

That feels much better.

After an uplifting start to the week on Monday we are plunged by the roller coaster on which we unexpectedly find ourselves to a new low and, now that I think about it for a moment, one of the carriage wheels appears to be loose and a 6G bend approaches.

For those of you wondering what the difference is between ‘normal’ force and G-force, Wikipedia provides for the following: Unlike simple acceleration, 'g-force’ is a measure of the magnitude of the acceleration relative to the local gravitational acceleration vector, rather than being compared to an inertial reference frame.

A while back we stepped into a big project as a minority investor. The owner of the project is a complex man who habitually pretends to be a simple man in order to thwart any attempts at debate whenever a discussion point comes to the fore. Instead of ‘talking stuff over’ he feigns lack of comprehension and, later and only following serious study, communicates with us via his ‘messenger’ – a sixty-five year old grump with whom empathy is difficult. The arrangement – as least from our perspective – is that he would build the thing and we’d exploit the thing (‘exploit’ in our world means ‘rent the sucker’).

An incongruence of perspective doesn’t quite do justice to the contrasting positions that have materialised following the investor’s letter (via the grump). On the one hand, the investor feels strongly that he has bought, renovated, and furnished the property and we should exploit the apartments and be happy with remuneration in the share-holding alone. On the other hand, running the exploitation is costly and, not having even close the same financial resources as the investor, we feel that asking us absorb all operational costs is not only unrealistic but, plainly said, would cause bankruptcy.

We ponder a response.

Super start to the week

At the end of a long Monday, a happy update from our big fashion retailer to whom we pitched last week. A green light. Yes, green. Somewhere between traffic light green and Kermit green. As sales manager, Klaas was a little too willing Friday to concede to their demands for a massive discount on our standard commission of one month. In the end – by keeping our leg stiff as the Dutch are fond of saying (usually amongst themselves) – we gave away just enough allowing both parties to feel satisfied with the negotiation process.

Our deals in The Hague are causing mind-bending grief. Our consultant there – George – is very strong with clients who like her at once thereby increasing the likelihood of a deal just by being vivacious. Problems invariably start when the administration kicks in. Contracts and invoices depend on data. Wrong data equals incorrect unusable and documents. It DOES matter that the start date is correct. Yes, George, the specific address is important and Single 200 is NOT the same as Single 200-iii. Oh and, by the way, please at least try to SPELL the client’s name correctly – a small point but it can niggle.

Wave anaology

The week ahead builds like a wave - a big wave atop which surfers cut and swerve while a crowd of wide-eyed onlookers gawp and clap. In the first scenario, I am up there with the best of them and confidently ride this crest, paddle ashore and am greeted with smiles, slaps on the back, and a beer so cold that the glass sweats. In the second scenario, I fall from a great height, get clattered in the teeth by my board before twenty tonnes of salty brine crashes down and breaks three ribs.

The week ahead in CliffsNotes: Our very expensive lawyer has drafted a very long letter that we’ll submit Monday to Dienst Wonen who, in their ‘wisdom’ (forgive the quotes), are on the brink of withdrawing our permit to broker rental properties. Their ‘case’ (excuse the quotes) is built on flimsy, balsa-wood straws and involves ‘findings’ (sorry about the quotes) that wouldn’t even stand up to the scrutiny of the guy taking my order at the drive through Burger King last week who… never mind.
Tomorrow is also the day that we submit our full proposal to a large fashion retailer to handle their gargantuan volume of housing requests over the next several years. Our two previous meetings went swimmingly and only became tetchy on their suggestion that we work for fifty percent of our normal rates. Discount are fine but, really, we have to pay the rent (get it?).

A proposal made last week to a big (in the biggest sense of this small word) consumer electronics retailer should, we hope, come back with news. Not totally comfortable that we’re in with a realistic shout so have crossed many things and am praying daily to all the gods I can find on Google.

Another quality rental client lead...

From: delivarance ministries [mailto: revpastoreze_dmtries@yahoo.com ] Sent: Saturday...

Dear most honoured 3irs -

How are you today?

I received your mail,please could you put me through clearly as i did not understand fully what the contents of your mail is saying,but i read that you are doing a survey on my request.

In case you did not explicitly undertand my proposal,let me explain to you again.

I am the General overseer of the Victorious Deliverance Ministry by name Rev Pastor Philip Eze,I solicit that you help me procure a sizeable proportion of land or a building where i can establish a branch of my ministry in your country,together with a living house for me and my family.

So as soon as you are through with your survey which i faithfully believe that will be successfull,then i will now inform you on how the money for the project will be sent to you,only be faithfull and kind to me and the church,as the God almighty will not disappoint you in all your endeavours.

Remain Blessed.

Regards,
Rev Pastors Eze Philip.
Feed overseer,
World Wide Victorious Deliverance ministries (WWVDM).

Hi,

Hi,

I wanted to let you know about a situation which happened last evening, aprox. 2:00 a.m. My girlfriend and I were returning to the apartment and I stopped for pizza while she returned home as she needed to use the bathroom and we were 1 block from the apartment. While walking home she was followed by a male who eventually exposed himself to her while she was trying to get in the front door, she managed to get in the door but he tried to force his way in, while he did that he ejaculated and through it all over the door just inside the building. We are uncertain what to do about this and if we should report this to the police? I also noticed you have a camera system so possibly this has been captured on film? We will be back at the apartment around 5pm if you need to stop by, also the semen is still all over the door. I will be on the computer for another 20 minutes.

What’s the point?

We need to count points these days. That’s just the way it is. The more points your property has, the more you rent you can ask – legally, that is. Points are awarded for:

• Obvious things like number of square meters, balcony or roof terrace, separate toilet.
• Less obvious things like the number of separate wash basins there are in the bathroom.
• Things not at all obvious such as the type of wall-cavity insulation (only verifiable by drilling a dirty big hole in the wall).

This over-focus on the points is driving some of the charm and impulse out of the game. Instead of schmoozing your client and securing a deal on the promise of a cold beer later and maybe a bite of dinner, consultants now have to explain a complex points system, make sure the official count of these precious pointlings is in (ludicrous and inflated claims by owners of their points are no longer acceptable), ask about the clients income and in many cases secure a woonvergunning (permission to rent) from the local authority.

If these seemingly arbitrary steps are not taken in the right order and accompanied by the correct bits of official paper then bad things can (and will) happen. I refer here to the tenant complaining to the rental commission that the rent is higher than points permit (often based on the inflated point counts of desperate, disparate owners looking to recover their renovation investments) resulting in the various pointing of fingers. Invariably, the fingers all end up pointing at Ideal Housing as we, as experts and as the largest thing to point at, have not only ripped off the client but have poorly advised the owner – this at least is the owner’s refrain when up before the rental commission – even, ironically, when the owner’s points tally was the base from which to start.

That's your job

There are only three property managers and I don't wish to name names, point fingers, imply incompetence, idiocy or plain old brain damage but what the heck does Edwin think his job actually involves?

I feel like saying, "Get the owner to sign the management agreement and enter his details into the database. That's it. That is your job."

Instead, it ends up like this, "Edwin - do you have a few minutes?" We step into the conference room and park ourselves in uncomfortable but matching blue chairs, resting our coffee mugs on the imitation veneer table. There's a bunch of dieing tulips in a new vase perched at the far end of this fine piece of a furniture - Edwin looks a bit nervous.

• "Eddie, I say, you've entered another owner but his details are wrong."
• "Wrong? No? Wrong?"
• "OK, OK - let's not use the word 'wrong'. Let's say 'inaccurate' just to get the conversation going."
• "Inaccurate? No? Inaccurate?"
• "Listen, I'm trying to bring this gently but 'inaccurate' is not capturing the essence here: 'wrong' captures this much better."

Edwin lowers his eye brows and his forehead follows.

• "For example, I want to make contracts for a new deal but there is no owner address."

Edwin's frown is frozen like he's been injected with too much botox.

• "There is some bank information like the account number but the account name, IBAN number, and SWIFT code are all missing. And... by the way, the bank is 'ABN Amro Bank NV' and not 'abnarmobank'"

He nods like he's hearing this information for the first time instead of the 50th time. I smile like I've got tooth ache but, in reality, I have a headache.

We have been reported

Clive is on my mind again. He remains a puzzle and a concern. Minutes after sending the following email:

• "OK, the deposit should have been given to me as soon as i checked out or given to my ppeople, you have no right turning up to my offices, i have informes the authorities about this invasion of privacy and the drug squad to ginny, this person should be stopped from doing business on drugs and high, i have sent a copy of this email to the police and the consulate and the newspapers too which i am connected to , goin g to my office was a very bad mistake , without giving me my deposit back so i expect this in cash like i gave it on wednesday morning."

he sends a follow up:

• "ps.. thanks for your help in this seems like nobody else in your company has any humanity"

The owner of the property in question swings wildly from asserting his rights to deduct lost rent, cleaning, and Internet costs from the Euro 2100 deposit to insisting that Ideal Housing are the sole interface to the client and that he wants nothing to do with him. Worse (or better depending on if you are the owner or us), the owner has fired Clive off a final mail implying that further direct contact with Clive is bordering on the illegal and that all contact must run via Ideal Housing. We are being put squarely in the middle which I understand up to a point as we did deliver the client in the first place but, Mr. Owner, if you want to talk tough then you have to remember that hiding behind a housing agency is just a bit chicken.

Our lawyer - you know the type: posh office, big-buck tariffs, and 200g letter paper - has drafted his first missive. We are retaining his services to contest the pseudo-finds of the rental regulator - Dienst Wonen. Dienst Wonen is on the cusp of suspending our license to be a rental agency based shallow research and spurious conclusions.

Up to your ankles in it

How would you deal with the following? Marijke – one of our rental consultants – rents a fine property to a fine couple for a fair price: € 2000 per month. Everyone’s happy with the deal, the client takes up residence and two blissful weeks drift by during which the client settles in, finds shops, figures out how to get the kids to school – life stuff. The owner of said property – the property for those familiar with Amsterdam is in the Old South (lovely) – lives in London which is not very handy given that the following happened.

The local authority is conducting routine sewer maintenance: digging up roads, holding up traffic, spending tax revenue with the utmost of care. Suddenly BINGO – the mother load. They have come across an illegal connection to the main sewer system. “Well now, what have we here?” mutters the foreman. The crew of eight gathers round to gawp into the muddy hole occupied by Jan who always seems to do a bit more with the spade than the rest of them. It is indeed an illegal connection.

The foreman considers the usual options that encompass calling the regional inspector, or knocking on the door to which the offending pipe is connected and demanding explanation or proof of planning permission, or… but he never fully forms that final thought as, half-complete, his concentration is broken by the arc of Jan’s pick-axe and the splintering crack as it’s dull blade severs the illegal pipe at its join to the main system. Jan cries out “Take that!” or something similar.

Thinking quickly and not wishing to seem reluctant, the foreman thanks Jan for his clear, if somewhat impulsive, action and lights a cigarette. The rest of the crew congratulates Jan on his rapid response on encountering a breach of the law. Lunch?

Back at Ideal Housing, the phone rings and Charlotte puts the call through to Marijke. It’s the client and the client is up to his knees in the stink and shit not only from his own family’s bodily functions but from the four apartments above whose collective waste now has no outlet. They are literally splashing around in the kitchen as raw sewage is spewing in through the dishwasher overflow.

Marijke calls the owner who swears and curses and immediately calls the previous owner of the property as, clearly, this was a hidden defect. The previous owner says that he told his broker at the time and the current owner should call the selling agent. Marijke points out that the client’s kitchen floor is covered in crap.

Marijke calls the local authority and, after hanging on the line for quite a long time, gets put through with the foreman. He is an instrument of the law and, if not the law exactly, then definitely of the local authority’s planning department. He recommends calling the regional inspector – when he returns from skiing that is.

Marijke calls the owner’s maintenance company and demands immediate action and gets it. The action they promise is to call her back within the hour. They call back four hours later. “It’s four hours later – you do realize that my client is standing in poop?” The man from the maintenance company is very thorough at many things including explaining why they can’t do a thing. “We just can’t reconnect an illegal property – we’d loose our license.” Marijke blinks. “We’ll bring it up at the next meeting with the regional inspector – when he’s back from skiing.”

Marijke calls the client. There is much shouting at Marijke who turns pale and leaves.

Reasons followed by claims

It was a strange day now that I think about it. Friday, last week - that’s when it all started. Ideal Housing does not collect rent. We broker a deal, collect our commission and then leave the tenant and owner to figure their relationship out themselves. Friday last, then, an owner calls the office for the umpteenth time – his rent has not been received. Ginny calls the client as a service to the owner and a reminder to the client – let’s call him Clive (that’s right, Clive the client). Hardly able to get a word in edgeways, she is forced to listen to a long list of reasons detailing why the rent is not where it should be. These reasons include “family reasons” and “financial reasons” and progress from the land of reason to the land of claims which includes the claim that “the money has already left our account in New York” to the claim that the “owner is a liar and must already have the money” and finally the claim that Ginny is a “cocaine addict, an alcoholic and a whore who has insulted my family and I will get her and don’t think I won’t because I know people and I know where you live.” She calls me in tears.

Putting on my best and smoothest voice, I called the Clive on the Friday and arranged to do a check-out Monday – that is today. Midday roles around, the sun beats down on the five of us waiting for Clive. The five of us being myself, one of our portfolio managers, the owner and two ‘cleaners’ both of whom are scary looking and unnaturally muscled. Clive does not show despite his earlier mail confirming that he’d be there. I wander a few buildings down the Keizersgracht to where is office is located in a sort of business center. There’s a woman at the shared service desk who, claims (another claim) to know him and assures me that they are good friends. He’s in the US for “business reasons.” I repeat “Business reasons?” but receive only a sage nodding of the head in response.

She’d be only too happy to look after his bags pending his return later this week. Meantime, we complete the checkout without Clive and leave the property. Back at the office there’s an email waiting from the US from Clive. He’s livid that we’ve entered his office – not true; livid that he’s not received his deposit – never provided at check-out anyway; livid that… well, what does it matter, he’s just livid.

The month that was

The month of March - beware - displays the same alarming turnover profile as most other months. Namely,

• A couple of early deals in the first couple of days create the false, hollow, and deceptive impression that a trend has set in that will take us to the moon.
• Drought. Sweat, tears, but no deals. Concern is swallowed by consternation.
• Mid-month (or thereabouts) an event either catastrophic for the forecast or suspicioulsy positive. This month it's the positive variant as the horse-people deal got a verbal go yesterday.
• The last weeks of month, a depression from the east descends like a blanket of cloud - a cloud of acid vapour. Tempers fray, dispositions realign, the timid become monsters, and the monsters become bigger and louder. Accusations start to wing their way between members of the consulting team.

Cut to:

• Ginny: You stole my property. I was about to make a deal on the Singel. You knew that!
• Jimmy: But your viewing isn't until Monday. My client viewed and said yes this morning.
• Ginny: Client thief.
• Jimmy: Property thief.

Klaas pretends to be so engrossed in an email that he doesn't register this acrid interchange. He's secretly wishing he wasn't the sales manager.

• Ginny: Anyway, you sweat a lot and I'll still be the top consultant.

Klass draws a slow breath.

• Klaas: Will you two either shut up or take your pathetic little discussion into the conference room?

Cut back:

• The last few days of the month and the flood gates crash open as new deals wash in. Finance curses because invoices need making; back office curses because contracts need making; property manages curse because property owners need chasing for their full details to go into contracts.

And that is the month that was.