Up to your ankles in it

How would you deal with the following? Marijke – one of our rental consultants – rents a fine property to a fine couple for a fair price: € 2000 per month. Everyone’s happy with the deal, the client takes up residence and two blissful weeks drift by during which the client settles in, finds shops, figures out how to get the kids to school – life stuff. The owner of said property – the property for those familiar with Amsterdam is in the Old South (lovely) – lives in London which is not very handy given that the following happened.

The local authority is conducting routine sewer maintenance: digging up roads, holding up traffic, spending tax revenue with the utmost of care. Suddenly BINGO – the mother load. They have come across an illegal connection to the main sewer system. “Well now, what have we here?” mutters the foreman. The crew of eight gathers round to gawp into the muddy hole occupied by Jan who always seems to do a bit more with the spade than the rest of them. It is indeed an illegal connection.

The foreman considers the usual options that encompass calling the regional inspector, or knocking on the door to which the offending pipe is connected and demanding explanation or proof of planning permission, or… but he never fully forms that final thought as, half-complete, his concentration is broken by the arc of Jan’s pick-axe and the splintering crack as it’s dull blade severs the illegal pipe at its join to the main system. Jan cries out “Take that!” or something similar.

Thinking quickly and not wishing to seem reluctant, the foreman thanks Jan for his clear, if somewhat impulsive, action and lights a cigarette. The rest of the crew congratulates Jan on his rapid response on encountering a breach of the law. Lunch?

Back at Ideal Housing, the phone rings and Charlotte puts the call through to Marijke. It’s the client and the client is up to his knees in the stink and shit not only from his own family’s bodily functions but from the four apartments above whose collective waste now has no outlet. They are literally splashing around in the kitchen as raw sewage is spewing in through the dishwasher overflow.

Marijke calls the owner who swears and curses and immediately calls the previous owner of the property as, clearly, this was a hidden defect. The previous owner says that he told his broker at the time and the current owner should call the selling agent. Marijke points out that the client’s kitchen floor is covered in crap.

Marijke calls the local authority and, after hanging on the line for quite a long time, gets put through with the foreman. He is an instrument of the law and, if not the law exactly, then definitely of the local authority’s planning department. He recommends calling the regional inspector – when he returns from skiing that is.

Marijke calls the owner’s maintenance company and demands immediate action and gets it. The action they promise is to call her back within the hour. They call back four hours later. “It’s four hours later – you do realize that my client is standing in poop?” The man from the maintenance company is very thorough at many things including explaining why they can’t do a thing. “We just can’t reconnect an illegal property – we’d loose our license.” Marijke blinks. “We’ll bring it up at the next meeting with the regional inspector – when he’s back from skiing.”

Marijke calls the client. There is much shouting at Marijke who turns pale and leaves.