Hi,

Hi,

I wanted to let you know about a situation which happened last evening, aprox. 2:00 a.m. My girlfriend and I were returning to the apartment and I stopped for pizza while she returned home as she needed to use the bathroom and we were 1 block from the apartment. While walking home she was followed by a male who eventually exposed himself to her while she was trying to get in the front door, she managed to get in the door but he tried to force his way in, while he did that he ejaculated and through it all over the door just inside the building. We are uncertain what to do about this and if we should report this to the police? I also noticed you have a camera system so possibly this has been captured on film? We will be back at the apartment around 5pm if you need to stop by, also the semen is still all over the door. I will be on the computer for another 20 minutes.

What’s the point?

We need to count points these days. That’s just the way it is. The more points your property has, the more you rent you can ask – legally, that is. Points are awarded for:

• Obvious things like number of square meters, balcony or roof terrace, separate toilet.
• Less obvious things like the number of separate wash basins there are in the bathroom.
• Things not at all obvious such as the type of wall-cavity insulation (only verifiable by drilling a dirty big hole in the wall).

This over-focus on the points is driving some of the charm and impulse out of the game. Instead of schmoozing your client and securing a deal on the promise of a cold beer later and maybe a bite of dinner, consultants now have to explain a complex points system, make sure the official count of these precious pointlings is in (ludicrous and inflated claims by owners of their points are no longer acceptable), ask about the clients income and in many cases secure a woonvergunning (permission to rent) from the local authority.

If these seemingly arbitrary steps are not taken in the right order and accompanied by the correct bits of official paper then bad things can (and will) happen. I refer here to the tenant complaining to the rental commission that the rent is higher than points permit (often based on the inflated point counts of desperate, disparate owners looking to recover their renovation investments) resulting in the various pointing of fingers. Invariably, the fingers all end up pointing at Ideal Housing as we, as experts and as the largest thing to point at, have not only ripped off the client but have poorly advised the owner – this at least is the owner’s refrain when up before the rental commission – even, ironically, when the owner’s points tally was the base from which to start.

That's your job

There are only three property managers and I don't wish to name names, point fingers, imply incompetence, idiocy or plain old brain damage but what the heck does Edwin think his job actually involves?

I feel like saying, "Get the owner to sign the management agreement and enter his details into the database. That's it. That is your job."

Instead, it ends up like this, "Edwin - do you have a few minutes?" We step into the conference room and park ourselves in uncomfortable but matching blue chairs, resting our coffee mugs on the imitation veneer table. There's a bunch of dieing tulips in a new vase perched at the far end of this fine piece of a furniture - Edwin looks a bit nervous.

• "Eddie, I say, you've entered another owner but his details are wrong."
• "Wrong? No? Wrong?"
• "OK, OK - let's not use the word 'wrong'. Let's say 'inaccurate' just to get the conversation going."
• "Inaccurate? No? Inaccurate?"
• "Listen, I'm trying to bring this gently but 'inaccurate' is not capturing the essence here: 'wrong' captures this much better."

Edwin lowers his eye brows and his forehead follows.

• "For example, I want to make contracts for a new deal but there is no owner address."

Edwin's frown is frozen like he's been injected with too much botox.

• "There is some bank information like the account number but the account name, IBAN number, and SWIFT code are all missing. And... by the way, the bank is 'ABN Amro Bank NV' and not 'abnarmobank'"

He nods like he's hearing this information for the first time instead of the 50th time. I smile like I've got tooth ache but, in reality, I have a headache.

We have been reported

Clive is on my mind again. He remains a puzzle and a concern. Minutes after sending the following email:

• "OK, the deposit should have been given to me as soon as i checked out or given to my ppeople, you have no right turning up to my offices, i have informes the authorities about this invasion of privacy and the drug squad to ginny, this person should be stopped from doing business on drugs and high, i have sent a copy of this email to the police and the consulate and the newspapers too which i am connected to , goin g to my office was a very bad mistake , without giving me my deposit back so i expect this in cash like i gave it on wednesday morning."

he sends a follow up:

• "ps.. thanks for your help in this seems like nobody else in your company has any humanity"

The owner of the property in question swings wildly from asserting his rights to deduct lost rent, cleaning, and Internet costs from the Euro 2100 deposit to insisting that Ideal Housing are the sole interface to the client and that he wants nothing to do with him. Worse (or better depending on if you are the owner or us), the owner has fired Clive off a final mail implying that further direct contact with Clive is bordering on the illegal and that all contact must run via Ideal Housing. We are being put squarely in the middle which I understand up to a point as we did deliver the client in the first place but, Mr. Owner, if you want to talk tough then you have to remember that hiding behind a housing agency is just a bit chicken.

Our lawyer - you know the type: posh office, big-buck tariffs, and 200g letter paper - has drafted his first missive. We are retaining his services to contest the pseudo-finds of the rental regulator - Dienst Wonen. Dienst Wonen is on the cusp of suspending our license to be a rental agency based shallow research and spurious conclusions.

Up to your ankles in it

How would you deal with the following? Marijke – one of our rental consultants – rents a fine property to a fine couple for a fair price: € 2000 per month. Everyone’s happy with the deal, the client takes up residence and two blissful weeks drift by during which the client settles in, finds shops, figures out how to get the kids to school – life stuff. The owner of said property – the property for those familiar with Amsterdam is in the Old South (lovely) – lives in London which is not very handy given that the following happened.

The local authority is conducting routine sewer maintenance: digging up roads, holding up traffic, spending tax revenue with the utmost of care. Suddenly BINGO – the mother load. They have come across an illegal connection to the main sewer system. “Well now, what have we here?” mutters the foreman. The crew of eight gathers round to gawp into the muddy hole occupied by Jan who always seems to do a bit more with the spade than the rest of them. It is indeed an illegal connection.

The foreman considers the usual options that encompass calling the regional inspector, or knocking on the door to which the offending pipe is connected and demanding explanation or proof of planning permission, or… but he never fully forms that final thought as, half-complete, his concentration is broken by the arc of Jan’s pick-axe and the splintering crack as it’s dull blade severs the illegal pipe at its join to the main system. Jan cries out “Take that!” or something similar.

Thinking quickly and not wishing to seem reluctant, the foreman thanks Jan for his clear, if somewhat impulsive, action and lights a cigarette. The rest of the crew congratulates Jan on his rapid response on encountering a breach of the law. Lunch?

Back at Ideal Housing, the phone rings and Charlotte puts the call through to Marijke. It’s the client and the client is up to his knees in the stink and shit not only from his own family’s bodily functions but from the four apartments above whose collective waste now has no outlet. They are literally splashing around in the kitchen as raw sewage is spewing in through the dishwasher overflow.

Marijke calls the owner who swears and curses and immediately calls the previous owner of the property as, clearly, this was a hidden defect. The previous owner says that he told his broker at the time and the current owner should call the selling agent. Marijke points out that the client’s kitchen floor is covered in crap.

Marijke calls the local authority and, after hanging on the line for quite a long time, gets put through with the foreman. He is an instrument of the law and, if not the law exactly, then definitely of the local authority’s planning department. He recommends calling the regional inspector – when he returns from skiing that is.

Marijke calls the owner’s maintenance company and demands immediate action and gets it. The action they promise is to call her back within the hour. They call back four hours later. “It’s four hours later – you do realize that my client is standing in poop?” The man from the maintenance company is very thorough at many things including explaining why they can’t do a thing. “We just can’t reconnect an illegal property – we’d loose our license.” Marijke blinks. “We’ll bring it up at the next meeting with the regional inspector – when he’s back from skiing.”

Marijke calls the client. There is much shouting at Marijke who turns pale and leaves.

Reasons followed by claims

It was a strange day now that I think about it. Friday, last week - that’s when it all started. Ideal Housing does not collect rent. We broker a deal, collect our commission and then leave the tenant and owner to figure their relationship out themselves. Friday last, then, an owner calls the office for the umpteenth time – his rent has not been received. Ginny calls the client as a service to the owner and a reminder to the client – let’s call him Clive (that’s right, Clive the client). Hardly able to get a word in edgeways, she is forced to listen to a long list of reasons detailing why the rent is not where it should be. These reasons include “family reasons” and “financial reasons” and progress from the land of reason to the land of claims which includes the claim that “the money has already left our account in New York” to the claim that the “owner is a liar and must already have the money” and finally the claim that Ginny is a “cocaine addict, an alcoholic and a whore who has insulted my family and I will get her and don’t think I won’t because I know people and I know where you live.” She calls me in tears.

Putting on my best and smoothest voice, I called the Clive on the Friday and arranged to do a check-out Monday – that is today. Midday roles around, the sun beats down on the five of us waiting for Clive. The five of us being myself, one of our portfolio managers, the owner and two ‘cleaners’ both of whom are scary looking and unnaturally muscled. Clive does not show despite his earlier mail confirming that he’d be there. I wander a few buildings down the Keizersgracht to where is office is located in a sort of business center. There’s a woman at the shared service desk who, claims (another claim) to know him and assures me that they are good friends. He’s in the US for “business reasons.” I repeat “Business reasons?” but receive only a sage nodding of the head in response.

She’d be only too happy to look after his bags pending his return later this week. Meantime, we complete the checkout without Clive and leave the property. Back at the office there’s an email waiting from the US from Clive. He’s livid that we’ve entered his office – not true; livid that he’s not received his deposit – never provided at check-out anyway; livid that… well, what does it matter, he’s just livid.